It starts with a backstory scene on abuse, and the rest of the story is a sexual scene which seems to address this backstory. Brains are weird, and some fetishes come from trauma. That's very interesting!
This feels like an exploration of this development, and honestly would've loved a longer and more thorough exploration of these characters' interaction and emotions.
In summary, a good premise that with deeper exploration and polishing would be enhanced!
In the current state it's a bit rough to read. I think there is potential here within the writing with a bit more editing work. The word "aggressive" and "huff" was a bit overused, which felt a bit awkward and some stuff non-fluent to read for me.
General writing tip for the start: Avoid writing emotions literally. Use some smaller synonyms instead. "He's always angry about something." is a bit robotic. (You can use here a good opportunity to reveal Gunter's name at the start.) "Gunter is already on his tour to show, who is boss around here. **Add some specific mc trait sentence here.**"
Other than that. The pace felt rushed a bit. Do not fear to prolong some scenes!
Nevertheless, the art was cute! Any musk enjoyers gonna like the cg :D
On the audio: Renpy can add play out SFX and make the scenes pop out more. This would have helped a lot to make the introduction pop more with live. "WHAM" with the locker room bg and the vpunch effect of renpy. It would help your story more out. The ost was nice. Main menu misses any sound playing, which can be adjusted in Renpy. A main menu without music can make an user feel like the game crashed accidentaly.
On the overall presentation: The itchio page right now, during the writing of this comment misses screenshots. Add them! They make more people willing to read your vn and see what it is about! I made this mistake myself.
Last, but not least. Android version and Mac would be beneficial to your spread of reading. Many furries read visual novels on phones. If you need help setting it up, the novembear jam page has a discord server that can help you out. Or you write in the community tab at how to make an android version.
Hope this feedback is helpful! Enjoyed your visual novel.
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This was a short but interesting read.
SPOILERS BELOW
It starts with a backstory scene on abuse, and the rest of the story is a sexual scene which seems to address this backstory.
Brains are weird, and some fetishes come from trauma.
That's very interesting!
This feels like an exploration of this development, and honestly would've loved a longer and more thorough exploration of these characters' interaction and emotions.
In summary, a good premise that with deeper exploration and polishing would be enhanced!
In the current state it's a bit rough to read. I think there is potential here within the writing with a bit more editing work. The word "aggressive" and "huff" was a bit overused, which felt a bit awkward and some stuff non-fluent to read for me.
General writing tip for the start: Avoid writing emotions literally. Use some smaller synonyms instead.
"He's always angry about something." is a bit robotic.
(You can use here a good opportunity to reveal Gunter's name at the start.)
"Gunter is already on his tour to show, who is boss around here. **Add some specific mc trait sentence here.**"
Other than that. The pace felt rushed a bit. Do not fear to prolong some scenes!
Nevertheless, the art was cute! Any musk enjoyers gonna like the cg :D
On the audio: Renpy can add play out SFX and make the scenes pop out more. This would have helped a lot to make the introduction pop more with live. "WHAM" with the locker room bg and the vpunch effect of renpy. It would help your story more out. The ost was nice.
Main menu misses any sound playing, which can be adjusted in Renpy. A main menu without music can make an user feel like the game crashed accidentaly.
On the overall presentation: The itchio page right now, during the writing of this comment misses screenshots.
Add them! They make more people willing to read your vn and see what it is about! I made this mistake myself.
Last, but not least. Android version and Mac would be beneficial to your spread of reading. Many furries read visual novels on phones. If you need help setting it up, the novembear jam page has a discord server that can help you out. Or you write in the community tab at how to make an android version.
Hope this feedback is helpful! Enjoyed your visual novel.
Can you please mark this as adult?
yup! sorry about that, i thought i already had.